Winter is gone. Really gone. I am no longer asking myself, "Is Winter finally gone? Is this Spring?" And that is how I know it is Spring. For real.
My 26th birthday is in four weeks.
For some reason turning 25 felt novel and exciting. After years of struggling with insecurity over feeling like a young young married girl and then a young young mom, I hoped 25 would be the year it ended. I hoped I wouldn't wonder if I was a grown-up anymore.
I am kind of a child-like person. Not childish, but definitely child-like. You are likely to find me curtseying and singing in public or wrinkling my nose and talking to myself as I pick out vegetables at the supermarket.
When I was six, my favorite movie was 'The Sound of Music' (of course) and I still remember the day I gleefully swore to my mom that when I was finally 16 I would sing "I am 16 going on 17" ALL THE TIME. I pictured myself as a glamorous teenager singing it just like Liesl and possibly dancing in a gazebo. My mom laughed a little and informed me that when I was actually 16 I probably wouldn't be interested in singing just like Liesl anymore.
But... I was.
And I did.
And I felt so much the same at 16-going-on-17 as I did at 6.
And I feel so much at 25 as I did at 16-going-on-17.
My life has changed, yes, quite a lot. I have lots of responsibilities and manage to look after two small people and a husband and a house and I do, I do it. I do it like a lady, like a mom, like a grown-up.
But how oh how can I be a grown-up when I remember exactly what it feels like to have my grandma rock me to sleep?
I think I am sort of accepting that adulthood feels different than I imagined it would. Your memories don't fade as much as I thought they would. And I can't believe I am a whole year older than my mom was when she was doing this with me. Now SHE? My mother? SHE was a grown-up. A mom. A lady. I never wanted to cross her or disappoint her. And while I knew she knew almost everything, I didn't realize that she knew what it was like to be a little girl. That she WAS a little girl. A little girl who got a little older and had a little baby.
Maybe next year when I turn 27 I will realize I have not asked myself if I am "really" a grown-up in a long long time. And then I guess I will know I am. For real.