I have felt this post coming on for a long time but have never quite known how to say it.
I'm still not sure I do, but I'm going to try the stream of consciousness thing and see if it works.
Here we go.
When I was pregnant with my second baby, I was having an innocent conversation with a friend about how I wanted to have a natural childbirth when someone walked over to us and looked me in the face and said, "When I have a baby I want to have all the drugs because I don't have anything to prove! HA HA!" and people laughed like it was a funny joke and I felt really stupid and also kind of just mad. I went totally silent. I don't think I said a word for 45 minutes.
She didn't mean a thing by it. She didn't mean to hurt my feelings. But she did. And she kind of closed the door on even having a conversation about it.
I don't. . . have anything. . . to prove.
I wanted to shout at her "I'm just trying to live my LIFE, man. I'm just trying to LIVE my life, man." It's real life people.
I don't have all the answers and I am figuring it all out as I go and reserve the right to change my mind but I am doing the best I can and I am thinking hard.
My natural childbirth? My blog? My taste in whatever? It's what I like and what feels right and what I am drawn towards and I take these decisions seriously. This sounds self-important but I swear I am just using myself as an example because no one else gave me permission to blog about them. By "me" I really mean everyone. You are just doing what feels right, right? You, reading this, right now? You are just being you.
If you do things in a completely different way than I do it does not matter to me. I will like you if you are kind and friendly and can laugh and not shut the door on conversation of all kinds because hey! I like to chat! And I like to hear different perspectives. And I will still think your shoes and blog and epidural are wonderful for you and good choices for you and believe it all to be TOTALLY VALID. For you.
Just not for me, today. (Though I did have an epidural with Clark-- who cares?)
But it doesn't mean either of us has anything to prove. So don't pick on me.
It's a miracle that we are all so cool and different. Truly. We all have special talents! And gifts! And designs! I know this is coming off cheesy in a You Are Special Today kind of way (though sadly not in a Today's Special kind of way-- Jeff the mannequin with his dapper hat and vest was one of my first crushes) but gosh darn it people. You are special. Please be yourself in the biggest way possible. Do the best you can and think hard. And don't apologize. And please don't ask me to.
(This is not the way I meant this post to veer. In fact, it ended up being kind of like my facebook meme post but... rereading it... negative? Sheesh. My real point was that I love everyone and let's all be best friends and somehow I made it sound like I am mad at the world. I may blog the other tangent that I had in my head soon.)
(Of course, have you ever noticed that when I hint or claim that I am going to blog about something in particular I never do? I have dozens of half-written posts saved as drafts.)
(Also I just deleted a lot of the funniest parts of this post because they seemed lame but now without them the post seems even lamer and more serious and I am wishing I hadn't hit backspace over and over. Maybe I will just go ahead and put up my You Capture post and then no one will ever read this!)
(Also the title isn't relevant anymore because I deleted the part where I actually used my newly invented catchphrase "WJW" but I am leaving the title as it is anyway because thinking of titles is hard and I am ready to hit publish and go to sleep.)
(Half of this post is now in parenthesis. Sigh.)