10.12.2009

click crash thud

No one broke their arm.

Instead, I had a miscarriage.

I know, I know. I didn't tell you I was pregnant.

I will tell you now: I was pregnant.

For three and a half weeks, I thought about babies and childbirth and baby names. I thought about Clark with a baby brother or Alice with a baby sister or what if it was twins? I was due in May and could already imagine what it would feel like to be very pregnant in late Spring. I was tired and sick and and my pants didn't button. I was very happy. But I'm not pregnant anymore.

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On Friday I found myself in a position I had always feared. I was pregnant and bleeding. Losing a baby is one of those things you just don't know that much about until it happens to you. On Friday morning when I woke up, I didn't know a thing about it. Today I know too much.

Miscarrying a pregnancy is not cut and dry. Just like labor, it depends on a lot of factors and could go many ways. I was prepared for the emotional aspect. I knew it would be sad and depressing and that I would feel helpless and all of those things turned out to be true. I was not, however, prepared for how much physical pain it involved. In talking with friends I have learned that it isn't always this way. You might cramp a little. You might cramp a lot. You might be like me and crawl into the bathtub crying and then make your husband to drive you to the E.R.

So there you are, thing number one I wish I had known ahead of time: it can hurt really really bad. Like labor bad. Really bad. Gosh I wish I had known that.

Saturday I went to the E.R. and it fairly traumatic. They handled me in a sort of clumsy and frantic way. They did things that were unnecessary and painful. I am glad Saturday is over.

Today I went to the O.B. for a little check-up and it went as well as that kind of appointment can go. She said she thinks I've passed everything (sidenote: I had no idea how much "stuff" this was going to entail and oh my, it's a lot, and it's really sad and surprising to have to see it with your own eyes) on my own and she reminded me that I do not have an increased chance of miscarrying again, the risk is always one in five.

One in five, huh?

It's so sad. It's so hard.

Now that I'm on this side of things I feel a kindred kind of pain, a pain that has grown a little bigger every day since Friday when this started. As the reality of not being pregnant anymore grows, so does this unshakable feeling of sympathy for everyone I know who has ever had a miscarriage. It's like this great big sad shared experience so many of us have. I didn't want to be on this side of things, ever, but I am and I feel like I understand many of my friends who have been here just a little bit better. For that I am grateful.

The only other positive thing I can say about any of this is that Luke and I have really handled it together in a way that I can't remember handling anything else. We are in shock not that we lost this baby, but that our other babies are so perfect and amazing and we are so grateful for them. It isn't that we weren't grateful before, it's just that we appreciate the miracles that they are so much more. For that I am also grateful.



44 comments:

  1. I have to say it again. You have such grace and composure.

    I'm so sorry this happened to you. All my love to you and your family.

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  2. I am so sorry you had to go through this. It's not fair at.all.

    Man, you are amazing.

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  3. it is awful and painful and sad. my heart goes out to you and your husband.

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  4. I know and I'm so sorry you are on this side now.

    But sometimes...this side is a little brighter than you'd ever imagine. It will just take some time to get there.

    Loving you. Sending hugs.

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  5. You are a wonder.
    Clark and Alice are lucky people.

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  6. I've been thinking about you a lot. My heart aches knowing this was physically painful for you as well. Your children are beautiful and miraculous, and I think you are too.

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  7. Your words hit home on feelings I experienced 2.5 years ago. I remember the millions of people I talked to "who had a similar experience" and coming out of it wondering why this had to happen so often to so many women. I found no comfort in people telling me "it was for the best" b/c likely my baby would have been born with 3 heads. The comfort was found in exactly what you said...knowing you are not alone. Hang in there, and like you said, cherish your miracles b/c the whole process is pretty freakin' amazing.

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  8. My heart breaks for you, but it's also a little fuller for seeing how you were able to see the light in this. I wish you nothing but peace and love and healing, sweet girl.

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  9. i'm sorry to hear that. my thoughts are with you.

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  10. so sorry....and so thankful that you have chosen to learn what you can from this. wishing you peace and continued love.

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  11. i'm so so sorry. so sorry.
    ((hugs))

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  12. Oh, Erin. I am so sorry. But you are so right, you have two beautiful miracles right there with you. Not to mention a very supportive, amazing husband.

    Hang in there.

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  13. I'm so glad we were able to talk talk yesterday! but I realized that after our long conversation about this that and the other, I had really not listened to you on this. I'm so glad you wrote about it. MommyMelee and Smacksy are so right- grace and wonder. You are. lovely and inspiring, even when you're sad.

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  14. Oh Erin. I'm so sorry for you and Luke and Clark and Alice. So sorry.

    Your family is so wonderful, you're so full of light and positivity.

    Love.

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  15. Oh wow, I am so sorry for your pain and loss. And I am so amazed by your strength. You are incredible, and my prayers go to you and your family.

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  16. Oh gosh, I am so sorry about this. I am just so very sorry. Be gentle with yourself and remember that whatever you are feeling is normal. Much love to you and yours.

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  17. My heart just aches for you right now. I am sorry that you have to go through this. But, your grace and strength in dealing with loss are really encouraging. It's a bittersweet sort of heartwarming to know people who can find beauty amidst sadness. Babies truly are such amazing miracles. And, I am so glad that you have your two to embrace right now. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

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  18. Erin, I wish I had the words. I don't. So I'll just echo everyone else in saying how sorry I am for what you and your family has gone through losing this baby.

    Nell

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  19. I am SO sory. I am so sorry, Erin. I have never been through this, I can't imagine. I would have done everything just as you did.

    Many many hugs,
    Steph

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  20. I'm really sorry. There are no words to make you feel better. it just is something that will get better with time. I had miscarriage too before grayson. I just dealt with in the way I know how. And you will too.

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  21. I am so sorry for your loss. Truly sorry. You are right, it is a painful experience in every way. I miscarried 13 months ago. We were very lucky in that we now have a 9 week old, and I feel like I do appreciate more than I would have what a little miracle she is.

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  22. I'm so sorry you, and anyone really, ever has to go through this.

    Your strength is obvious in your writing. Your family is lucky to have you.

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  23. Your light always shines through, Erin.

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  24. I'm so so sorry. Not fair at all.

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  25. I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost a baby myself in January, and it was the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through (and he's been through a lot). I'm now pregnant again (due tomorrow), and I still cry over the baby Jesus is holding for me in Heaven.
    It's true though, you never ever understand the pain of a miscarriage until you go through it yourself. And since I have been through it myself, I am truly, deeply sorry. I'm glad you learned from it, but I'm sorry you had to learn from it.

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  26. I am so sorry for your loss. I too was the one in the bathtub, in major pain.

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  27. Hugs to you. I recently had my second miscarriage, this time at 12 weeks. I haven't been able to write about my experience yet (and not sure that I will), but your post definitely summed up lots of what I experienced and have been feeling.

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  28. thanks for sharing all of this. love you Erin.

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  29. Love you Erin. I am glad you know You are not alone.

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  30. God bless and thank you so much for sharing... I too recently had a miscariage thanks for saying all the things I couldn't

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss, Erin. I wish you and Luke all the best in this difficult time. Love and strength and healing to you both...

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  32. Oh Erin! My heart is in my throat. I am so very sorry. I am praying for you.

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  33. Your words are so moving, especially when in the midst of your pain you take a moment to reflect on the miracle of your other children.

    You are right that children are such a miracle and such a gift. I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your loss.

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  34. Oh Erin, what is there to say that you don't already know or haven't already heard. But I think you need a 36th comment to say - you ARE handling this with more grace than you know. God is covering you in an amazing way...I'm so sorry. You will surely be in my prayers, and I hope this pain will pass quickly. Hold on to your husband and children, they will propell you past this horrible loss.

    love, Yana

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  35. This is something that I have thus far been preserved from, though my best friend has had a great number of miscarriages and I mourn for her at these times.

    I will pray for you as you grieve at the loss of your sweet baby. I may not know what it's like to have a miscarriage, but I do know all about how it feels to find out you're pregnant. To gently run your hands on little tiny baby clothing again. To close your eyes and hug your belly and whisper little thoughts to your baby. To get excited, as well as occasionally a little freaked out imagining THREE carseats somehow fitting into your car. To think about the day when you will finally be able to hold that tiny little person on your chest, and kiss their little head and breath in that heavenly new baby smell, and about how easy it is to get lost in that place...

    And because I know about how those things feel, I certainly know how devastated I'd be if those things were suddenly taken away from me. And that sadness that all would bring.

    And so I pray for you and your family. And wish God's blessings upon you all.

    A big hug to you, Susan

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  36. I'm so sorry for your loss Erin, I too have had a miscarriage and I know the sadness you are feeling.
    Sending healing thoughts your way.
    Stacy

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  37. I'm sorry I'm just now reading this post.

    I type through the tears and I'm so sorry you know this pain now too. There are too many of us, too many babies lost and mothers and father's hurting.

    I'm so sorry Erin.

    Here if you need anything.

    Hugs,
    Natalie

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  38. So sorry that you had to experience a miscarriage and join "the club". When I had my first a year ago I too knew nothing. Now after having 3 including one at 18 weeks I know the pain and emotions you are feeling. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  39. Lady, I've been so freaking busy trying to sell my stupid house. I hate when I'm so busy that I don't read blog posts like this one.

    I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry.

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  40. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss but really appreciate your honesty. I have so many friends that have also lost babies, but I know it's difficult to talk about. Thank you.

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  41. Sorry I missed this when you originally posted. My heart breaks for you and wish you and Luke strength to heal physically and mentally.

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  42. Thank you for sharing your story. I have only recently had a miscarriage last week at 6 weeks & 6 days. Reading your story has helped me to not feel so alone. I'm so sorry that you have also had to go through this as well. xx

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