11.09.2009

i have two hands

I'm not feeling like myself.

I am mad at people that have done things to make me mad and people that haven't really done anything to make me mad at all. I'm dwelling on it all instead of forgiving them and loving them and moving on.

My knees hurt and I keep bumping them on things and screaming when I do. Knees are not something you want to rub all the skin off of, FYI, because you bump them on things all the time but you don't really notice until they don't have any skin on them anymore.

I don't know where my friends are to talk to. I feel lonely.

I took a pregnancy test (even though there was a 0% chance of me being pregnant) because I am insane. I think I wanted to see it tell me I am not pregnant anymore. It told me I am not pregnant anymore. I knew it would, obviously, but after the SIX tests that told me I was pregnant not very long ago, it tore me up. I am dumb for even going there. I am also out $5 for the test. I should be almost in my second trimester but instead I'm out $5.

Clark has been a pistol lately. Or a gun that is worse than a pistol but I don't know anything about guns so I can't tell you what kind of gun it would be. The kind that back talks a lot. Like he repeats everything I say to him back to me, but opposite. "You DO NOT have to take my game away. I DO NOT have to put my pants on. I AM being a very good boy."

I feel little pangs and sudden tiny stinging tears on and off all the time because I know I will never see my Papa again.

I am eating candy, as I write this, out of sheer desperation for a sugar induced mood boost. I hate candy.

on the other hand...

I have an amazing cozy house with a fireplace and lots of free firewood and I've been finding so many things I love at the Salvation Army lately and it doesn't matter if I like candy or not, I feel like it's okay to eat the pink Starburst because I have been running on the treadmill every night and my back and knees hurt but every time they sting I think of those with serious injuries and burns and pray for them and thank God for my healthy body. I have kids that are more amazing than could even be dreamed and DVR and a painting of kittens and some really amazing friends and family members and dreamy memories of being a little girl and playing Little House On The Prairie in my backyard while Papa mowed in his white t-shirt and shorts with white socks and shoes. And a cigarette. He always had a cigarette.

I love my life. I do. I thank God ALL THE TIME that this is my life. I'm exactly where I want to be. It's okay if some of it hurts or puts me in a bad mood. It's exactly where I want to be.

19 comments:

  1. it's ok to be mad and sad...and know that even when you are mad and sad you have a great life. i do it all the time. it doesn't make you a bad person for having feelings that aren't sunsine and rainbows all the time. it makes you human...and one of the most wonderful, complex, beautiful humans i know.

    xoxo

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  2. God has a picture of you in his wallet.

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  3. I'm sorry you're so sad. This is the first time I've seen your blog so I don't know all that you're going through at the moment, but you sound like such a wonderful mother to your beautiful children and a fun warm hearted friend. Hope you're feeling better soon :)

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  4. I have had days, months like that. I have taken many, many pregnancy tests and more than 90% have been negative. Those tests that were positive were some of the best days of my life.

    Also? I've fallen down the stairs at least 3 times now. Severe bruising. I really feel your pain.

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  5. I keep writing out a comment and then deleting the whole thing, not knowing the right words to say. Everything sound so trite, you know? But I'm here, and I'm listening, and I think it's wonderful that you are taking a moment to appreciate the good in the face of the bad.

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  6. as Leonard Cohen says:

    The cold and the broken Hallelujah.

    I mean, obviously, he says more:

    There's a blaze of light
    In every word
    It doesn't matter which you heard
    The holy or the broken Hallelujah

    I'll stand before the Lord of Song
    With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah.

    When my kids were little and driving me crazy and other people who were important to me had me feeling angry...(this is gonna be a run-on sentence, I can FEEL it) I was watching Oprah (who used to be like, an authentic human) one day and Kelsey Grammer (is that how he spells it? I'm too lazy to check) was talking about his struggles in life. The whole point of that was to get to this thing he said that I've always wanted to put on 100 t-shirts and wear them every day ('cause I'm not the tattoo type)

    "Stagger Onward Rejoicing."

    Sometimes, it's the best one can do.

    I'm a little bummed, too. But it's just because I couldn't go to the Rosenberg's potluck.

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  7. Life really sucks sometimes. And it's totally okay to recognize that and feel like crap. But it takes someone with a pretty amazing heart to have a whole paragraph of happiness in the midst of it.

    You're in my prayers.

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  8. Sometimes I'm half-way through your posts and I think I'm reading one of my own. (Hope that isn't a total put down) I just understand your heart and mind and I love you.

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  9. I wish I could come see you. Maybe we can arrange a half-way meet some day soon?

    Steph

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  10. I've felt that way lots of times, too.

    But it's incredible and wonderful that you can keep your positive attitude, even when you don't have a positive attitude.

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  11. I wish I lived in Indy. I'd come over with some yummy Starbucks drinks and enjoy your fire with you while our kids acted like sawed-off shotguns together. Way to go on your running. Love you friend!

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  12. I'm so sorry for what you're going though, and I'm sorry I didn't know about it earlier. You are such a great mom, and your strength is such an inspiration. If you need someone to talk to, I'm free all day everyday until January.

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  13. i feel like i had a post i've been meaning to write just like this myself... feel better soon.

    ps. lisa always has the BEST comments.

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  14. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are an amazing person...I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, but I do know that you have two lucky kiddos to have you as their mommy :)

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  15. i just found your blog and am marking it for a comeback. :) i really love your blog and writing. did you have a miscarriage? i did. in june. at 13 weeks.
    you seem pretty awesome.

    hello.

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  16. Unfortunately, it often takes the bad to help us to see how good the good really is and we are grateful to God. And sometimes we see things the other way around and realize how good we are having it, and that it could certainly be worse ("oh my gosh, that could have been MY son...", etc), and then we are grateful that way, too.

    They are certainly blessed, those who are able to feel grateful during good times and bad. And I am so thankful to be one of the "they".

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  17. oh dear. We are dealing with the same little boy in our house. Hang in there. My dad likes to remind me that an opinionated, strong willed child will learn to use those character traits to their advantage one day.

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  18. It's funny (in a not so funny way) how terrifically bittersweet life is. Some days I could use a little more of the sweet and less of the bitter. It sounds like you're having one of those days. I hope some extra special sweet comes your way.
    P.S. Levi and Clark could be good buddies if we didn't live worlds apart. He's getting that pistol thing down pat too. I'm sure they could show each other a thing or two.

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  19. This is such a great post. I love that you feel comfortable putting your heart out there. Btw, my little Clark has been quite the pistol lately too! I can't believe you live near me! Why have we not went over this before, or have we? Oh gracious....

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