I'm not feeling like myself.
I am mad at people that have done things to make me mad and people that haven't really done anything to make me mad at all. I'm dwelling on it all instead of forgiving them and loving them and moving on.
My knees hurt and I keep bumping them on things and screaming when I do. Knees are not something you want to rub all the skin off of, FYI, because you bump them on things all the time but you don't really notice until they don't have any skin on them anymore.
I don't know where my friends are to talk to. I feel lonely.
I took a pregnancy test (even though there was a 0% chance of me being pregnant) because I am insane. I think I wanted to see it tell me I am not pregnant anymore. It told me I am not pregnant anymore. I knew it would, obviously, but after the SIX tests that told me I was pregnant not very long ago, it tore me up. I am dumb for even going there. I am also out $5 for the test. I should be almost in my second trimester but instead I'm out $5.
Clark has been a pistol lately. Or a gun that is worse than a pistol but I don't know anything about guns so I can't tell you what kind of gun it would be. The kind that back talks a lot. Like he repeats everything I say to him back to me, but opposite. "You DO NOT have to take my game away. I DO NOT have to put my pants on. I AM being a very good boy."
I feel little pangs and sudden tiny stinging tears on and off all the time because I know I will never see my Papa again.
I am eating candy, as I write this, out of sheer desperation for a sugar induced mood boost. I hate candy.
on the other hand...
I have an amazing cozy house with a fireplace and lots of free firewood and I've been finding so many things I love at the Salvation Army lately and it doesn't matter if I like candy or not, I feel like it's okay to eat the pink Starburst because I have been running on the treadmill every night and my back and knees hurt but every time they sting I think of those with serious injuries and burns and pray for them and thank God for my healthy body. I have kids that are more amazing than could even be dreamed and DVR and a painting of kittens and some really amazing friends and family members and dreamy memories of being a little girl and playing Little House On The Prairie in my backyard while Papa mowed in his white t-shirt and shorts with white socks and shoes. And a cigarette. He always had a cigarette.
I love my life. I do. I thank God ALL THE TIME that this is my life. I'm exactly where I want to be. It's okay if some of it hurts or puts me in a bad mood. It's exactly where I want to be.