12.08.2009

growing tired of duct tape

Remember when I said my kids are destructive and have "broken almost everything I own"?

In the last few days the following things have been destroyed:
  • A Christmas rocking horse candle holder that was mine as a child. I had it put away because I didn't want Clark to break it, but he found it in the put-away place and broke it.
  • My camera. It is broken but repairable.
  • My 50mm lens. It is broken and not repairable.
  • A $78 pair of sunglasses that we were going to return.
  • Our refrigerator door. It now barely closes. Clark likes to get in the fridge and get out yogurts and the occasional gallon of milk. He also likes to hang on the door and swing back and forth like it's a ride.
  • The wall hanging that I made for Alice before she was born. It was made of wrapping paper and I knew it wouldn't last forever but I'm still sad it didn't last forever.
  • A photo of me on the day I was born with the date written in the corner by my father who I have not seen since I was seven years old.
Let's total this up shall we?

What does priceless + $100 +78 + $500 + priceless equal?

I know you must think I am never watching my kids for them to get into all of this stuff but I am ALWAYS watching them. They are like ninjas.

.
.
.

So.

After the camera hit the floor I had a little fit during which I cried a little and then blurted out "MOMMY ONLY HAS LIKE TWO THINGS OF HER OWN AND ONE OF THEM IS HER CAMERA!" and suddenly realized that I only have like two things of my own and one of them is my camera.

I started thinking long and hard about the way I have started sacrificing things that haven't even been asked of me.

"Oh, it's okay, you can ________________ ."

(eat the rest of the food I cooked for dinner, I can find something for myself later)
(put that stuff on my side of the closet-- I barely have any clothes that fit anyway)
(have four drawers I only need one)
(take a shower with mommy if you really want to as long as you don't bring too many toys and don't yell too loud)

Stupid stuff.
Stuff no one is asking of me.

I think it's interesting.

And I think it's okay, as long as I am sincere in my oh-its-okays. As long as I can go around not resenting any of it and really being okay with the two kids in my shower and me eating string cheese while my family eats chicken with peanut sauce, then it's okay. It's motherhood, you know? Sometimes when you get done cooking you realize there just isn't enough chicken and I would honestly rather have my kids eat a home cooked meal than feed myself.

I really thought I was okay with this all and I don't know, maybe I still am okay with most of it. But when my camera was pulled from the desk drawer and thrown to the hardwood floor SOMETHING SNAPPED.

So today I cleaned our bedroom.

I moved the stuff that is not mine out from my side of the closet.

I cleared out a space where I can put things that the kids could never ever reach, even if Clark pulled the highest tallest chair over to try. (He does this.)

And even though we are dirt poor right now I AM going to find a way to buy another lens because it's Christmas and this year is not going to be another "oh, it's okay, I don't need a Christmas present" kind of years.

This year I'm getting a Christmas present. I don't even care what it is. Mommy needs more than two things.


-

(oh the sweet adorable naughtiness.)

19 comments:

  1. Serious edible naughtiness.

    I'm sorry about all your broken stuff. Priceless stuff, ugh.

    And I love your thoughts here. It really is tricky to figure out what I'm sincere about with my "oh, it's okays" Most things, I think. But sometimes I want more than two things too.

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  2. The sad thing is when I try to think of what Mommy wants for Christmas it is things like this...

    -a sling for the baby
    -a new back back to make it easy to take two kids out and have hands free
    -a new steamer for vegetables that does not scratch my pans
    -a deep fryer to make my husband donuts like he had growing up...

    are any of these really for me?
    I don't even know what I want anymore,
    oh what motherhood does to you!

    I totally understand!

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  3. Oh I love you. I've so been here. Time and time again I've been here. It's a tough life to lead, that of a mommy.
    Being without a camera is like being without a limb. I've been there.
    And yes, you do deserve a Christmas present. And I hope you get one. I bought myself a new camera strap because dang it, I deserve it. I surrendered all of my Christmas work bonus to get the kids a Christmas gift. All my tips at work I made last weekend, $65 total, I didn't see a single penny of.
    99% of the time I'm okay with all. The other 1% I want to kick and scream with the fury of 30 3 year olds having temper tantrums.

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  4. Oh, I can relate. I am so sorry for all your broken-ness. I hope Santa is really good to you this year.

    Steph

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  5. I can totally relate. My 50mm lens has a crack in the lip b/c Emma dropped my camera. I completely understand having only a few things for yourself. You should definitely get a few things for yourself this Christmas and then put them far far away from destroying hands.

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  6. I love your posts-so honest and RELATABLE! I am so sorry about your stuff, but good for you for making changes!!!

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  7. oh i'm so sorry. the loss of things you treasure at the hands of another treasure.

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  8. I didn't mean to make my comment anonymous!

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  9. It's all so innocuous when it begins. I want a beautiful crib. I want beautiful crib bedding. I want a cutie-comfie stroller. I want the. best. car seat. This outfit makes me melt. Must buy. OHMYGOSHLOOKATALLTHISCUTESTUFF!! I must have it all. Pretty soon we're buying Little Tikes with the money which would have gone, in the olden days, to priorities such as shoes without all the color scratched off (for mommy, I mean - because babies shoes are gorg!) or step two of the three step skin-care program (because really, who has time for *three* steps now?) or m&ms. All of this happens before they even think to want things, let alone ask for them.

    It's crazy, really it is. There needs to be a class for new mommies. At very least, a good mentoring program. One where we can take someone's hand and say "Sweetie, the baby really super does not know if he is wearing $35 shoes or $5 shoes. The baby doesn't even know what shoes are, frankly.

    We do it from the most sincere part of us. I don't even think it's a part of us we could locate with a tuning fork. It also becomes habit without us realizing it.

    Why do I feel guilty buying myself the exact same pair of boots I would buy for both of my daughters without batting an eye?

    Your kids are doing all the totally normal things kids do when they get .03 seconds when mommy isn't watching. Even a mommy has to blink sometimes.

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  10. Oh, Erin. I feel your pain! So glad I'm not the only one with a destructive little boy.

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  11. It's so easy to say "it's just stuff," but when it's just MY stuff, I get bunged up about it.

    Bob recently destroyed my new glasses that I only need for, you know, seeing. I know this is all part of the mom gig but if he wasn't so adorable, I would feel it necessary to punt him out the back door a few times an hour. Actually, I still think it's necessary, I'm just not doing it. Today.

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  12. I was writing you a response and in the middle the kids dumped all their toys out, all of them, just for the heck of it. That's what I hate the most. The disregard for possessions, mine and there's. It's so tough, I hope I can teach them. Ugh.
    So yah, I know where you're coming from. The same place where I wish I could wear my jewelry again without having it torn from me. *sigh*

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  13. Make sure what you get is something for you. It never fails my gifts always end up being something for Audrey in one form or another. ;) But this year I got lucky and got a new camera (birthday and christmas gift and probably next years gift as well). Wait, it was for Audrey. I have to take sweet pictures of her all day long. :)

    Btw- I loved this post.

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  14. So sorry to hear about the camera and the lens! I would be absolutely devastated.

    I am glad that you cleared a space for your things. As mothers, I think we tend to give, give, give...all of the time - which is a good thing. But sometimes it's nice + important to have our own space, our own dreams, our own things.

    Thanks for that reminder. Thanks for this post.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  15. this post is awesome. i just loved it. i love how you are thinking about motherhood and the thing about 'givegivegive' and then 'ohbutwhataboutme' because I do that and most moms I know do that and it's important to think about it. plus your photos are so adorable and so full of life i thought for a flash as i scrolled down the first one was a video

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  16. Yes, mommy does! And, oh. my. they are so cute!!

    Seriously, though, yay for giving a little to yourself. Being a mommy is amazing, and wonderful, and oh. my. stars. so incredible. But, it is unbelievably draining, and sometimes it seems like there is no more you. And, that's okay...most of the time. But, really, we are all destined for the loony bin if we don't take a little time, space, and whatever else for ourselves. Speaking of taking for one's self, I haven't had a shower by myself in months. I think I NEED one...especially since Levi has taken to standing on top of my toes through every shower no matter how many times I ask him not to.

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  17. I love this. It speaks so true for all of us. I can't remember the last time I took a bath without a toddler interloper. And while that's mostly okay, sometimes it would be nice to just have a bath alone.

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  18. i'm proud of you for having done the right mommy thing all along, because let me tell you, not all moms do that. like me. straight up. i save all the good stuff for myself. i find myself feeling guilty for like 2 minutes for not sharing fresh baked cookies with the girls, but then think, "can they really appreciate the 70% cocoa gourmet chocolate chips i used? i think not. and the guilt is gone. (i do eat them after they go to bed, if that makes it sound less mean.)

    also, i'm getting a life insurance policy for xmas and a replacement phone.

    also x2, your kids are like custard. those pictures made me squeal.

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  19. You deserve the lens and more. And they ARE adorable. Mine are naughty too.

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