In the last few days the following things have been destroyed:
- A Christmas rocking horse candle holder that was mine as a child. I had it put away because I didn't want Clark to break it, but he found it in the put-away place and broke it.
- My camera. It is broken but repairable.
- My 50mm lens. It is broken and not repairable.
- A $78 pair of sunglasses that we were going to return.
- Our refrigerator door. It now barely closes. Clark likes to get in the fridge and get out yogurts and the occasional gallon of milk. He also likes to hang on the door and swing back and forth like it's a ride.
- The wall hanging that I made for Alice before she was born. It was made of wrapping paper and I knew it wouldn't last forever but I'm still sad it didn't last forever.
- A photo of me on the day I was born with the date written in the corner by my father who I have not seen since I was seven years old.
What does priceless + $100 +78 + $500 + priceless equal?
I know you must think I am never watching my kids for them to get into all of this stuff but I am ALWAYS watching them. They are like ninjas.
After the camera hit the floor I had a little fit during which I cried a little and then blurted out "MOMMY ONLY HAS LIKE TWO THINGS OF HER OWN AND ONE OF THEM IS HER CAMERA!" and suddenly realized that I only have like two things of my own and one of them is my camera.
I started thinking long and hard about the way I have started sacrificing things that haven't even been asked of me.
"Oh, it's okay, you can ________________ ."
(eat the rest of the food I cooked for dinner, I can find something for myself later)
(put that stuff on my side of the closet-- I barely have any clothes that fit anyway)
(have four drawers I only need one)
(take a shower with mommy if you really want to as long as you don't bring too many toys and don't yell too loud)
Stuff no one is asking of me.
I think it's interesting.
And I think it's okay, as long as I am sincere in my oh-its-okays. As long as I can go around not resenting any of it and really being okay with the two kids in my shower and me eating string cheese while my family eats chicken with peanut sauce, then it's okay. It's motherhood, you know? Sometimes when you get done cooking you realize there just isn't enough chicken and I would honestly rather have my kids eat a home cooked meal than feed myself.
I really thought I was okay with this all and I don't know, maybe I still am okay with most of it. But when my camera was pulled from the desk drawer and thrown to the hardwood floor SOMETHING SNAPPED.
So today I cleaned our bedroom.
I moved the stuff that is not mine out from my side of the closet.
I cleared out a space where I can put things that the kids could never ever reach, even if Clark pulled the highest tallest chair over to try. (He does this.)
And even though we are dirt poor right now I AM going to find a way to buy another lens because it's Christmas and this year is not going to be another "oh, it's okay, I don't need a Christmas present" kind of years.
This year I'm getting a Christmas present. I don't even care what it is. Mommy needs more than two things.