Do you ever feel distinctly not like yourself and then wonder what that even means and what the composite of "yourself" really breaks down into? I usually decide my self image is probably a bunch of BS and that I am nothing like I think I am, but it's still the one I hold on to and the one I want to be. Even if it's make believe.
I have felt, lately, like the most boring version of myself. Nothing like "normal" me.
I am tired. I am still sick. I spent this morning trying to convince myself that I didn't need to throw up and the afternoon throwing up and the later afternoon and evening eating green grapes and pineapple until my tongue was raw, only quitting when we ran out of pineapple. I know there are women out there who are sick the entire time they are pregnant and work jobs outside of the home in proper clothing that contain things like buttons and zippers, but I don't know how they do it. I am really thankful my employers don't mind standing in the bathroom watching me puke while they wait for their sippy refills.
I want to not feel sick anymore.
I want to think about things and stretch out my brain. I can't remember how.
On Valentine's day I should have been the happiest kid ever (our much anticipated new furniture arrived and we went to the Apple store and traded in my old broken iPod for a new working iPod) but I was a total jerk to my husband all day. I could feel myself being a jerk and even observe how silly it was as it was happening, but I kept letting it spill out. I have no idea what my problem was. I ruined the day. Yay me.
I am praying that on Wednesday when I am 14 weeks things start feeling better. I want to feel like the old (probably made-up complete fantasy) version of myself that I feel comfortable with.
I also want some pants that fit.
(This photo is somewhat embarrassing and hard for me to post because I look so freaking pregnant and I am only 13 weeks. I blame muscle memory or something. The midwife said I was measuring a little big. YA THINK?)