There are three carseats in my backseat. I thought having an empty carseat back there would make it seem more real that we are having a baby, but it does not seem real.
There is an empty crib in our room. Alice moved to a toddler bed (seamlessly, I might add, thank you Alice) and I put the crib in our room. I thought an empty crib with a new crib sheet would make it seem more real that we are having a baby, but it does not seem real.
I am so busy, lately, with my other tinies. I am constantly shouting "NO BITING" or "TOO ROUGH" or "GET YOUR FEET AWAY FROM HER" or "GIVE HER SPACE" and when I am not saying those things (not just to Clark, by the way, Alice is a biter and a pincher) I am doing my best to bend my un-bending stomach to pick things off of the floor and when I am not bending I am thinking about how I am not bending and feeling bad because it feels too hard and I just don't want to do any of the normal stuff I do. The floor is covered in STUFF -- crumbs, clothes, toys, and a messy house makes my brain feel bad.
I've tried all of the usual things that help me get my act together (plus lots of extras) but pretty much all I have the desire to do is go to the pool. I leave breakfast on the table (and floor) and we go swim.
I don't feel prepared to give birth or hold a newborn. Our baby doesn't even have a name. Are ten weeks enough time to mentally get there? The first 30 weeks flashed by so fast.
My blog posts will maybe be few and far between for awhile. (Like how I said "maybe"? I don't like committing to things.) Most of what I've written lately has been all gobbledygook anyway. I don't like the way I feel right now and I don't like writing about it and I don't like reading about it and you all probably don't either. I am frustrated, out of patience, emotional, tired, and huge. The inside of my brain is like a mirror reflecting those traits. I want to feel like me. I want to have some joy during these last ten weeks instead of impatience. I want feeling good and being kind to just, you know, happen instead of being things I spend all of my energy trying desperately to squeeze out.
I need encouragement, if you have any to spare.
At least we have the pool.
Yes, this is at the pool. My land-locked children call the sand pit at the pool "the beach", the poor dears.
PS. Thank you for your "get well" wishes. I am very thankful we are healthy again.