8.31.2010

12 days later

You know you're postpartum when you cry over your nail polish.  Not just cry, but feel slightly nauseated and confused and actually moved by the gravity of the whole nail polish situation.

A week before Hal was born, I got a manicure.  I told everyone in the salon how my due date was coming up and my heart felt all toasty and warm while picking out the color, knowing this manicure would last until -- past -- when the baby arrived.  This is the nail polish I will wear when I am in labor and I will be wearing it when my son is born, I smiled at the OPI bottle.  And all of that seemed like a big deal.  Like, A Big Deal. A conclusion. 

Due to a combination of hormones and that persistent thing called time, I had to force myself to take off the remnants of that manicure yesterday.  It was stupid hard.  Like (sob sob) saying goodbye to pregnancy, to the anticipation, to the wondering when and how.  It was like running full force and stopping on a dime. 

(Yes, I am still talking about removing the nail polish.  I know.  I told you.  It's the hormones and I simply cannot help myself.)

But then it was also realizing Hal is only 12 days old.

I am still looking forward forward forward, I just get to mix it with memories of the past now.  Pregnancy and birth and all of that other stuff are way over. This is the real beginning. I get to raise Hal and I am (I pray) going to change my nail polish a hundred thousand times with this kid around.

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So I took off my (formerly) chic black manicure and painted my nails navy blue.  From black to navy.  Nothing drastic.  Just a little teensy bit different and brighter than they were two weeks ago. Like me.


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Your comments on my birth story mean so much to me.  I went back and forth before I posted it, trying to decide how much detail to give and how much I wanted to put out there.  Reading homebirth stories was a crucial part of my birth preparation so I ultimately decided that I should contribute my nickel to that pot.  Thank you so much for your love and support.  Xs and Os to you all.

25 comments:

  1. Oh he is so cute. And so are you. And I get this. We all do, Erin.

    And I will paint my nails in solidarity --here's to looking forward.

    xo

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  2. I saw your birth story linked from another blog and, reading it, fell in total love with you. You are just oh so lovely in every way!

    I really LOVE reading about home births. There is so much I love about them, even though it is very, very doubtful I will ever have one. (Serious health complications with my son, future pregnancies may be high risk...) But that's okay. I can live vicariously through all you brave mamas who do it at home!

    Postpartum emotion is no joke. So difficult. I would have cried, too, and I completely cherished my pedicure!

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  3. i could write many blog posts about my many dramatic times in pregnancy over the littlest things. (like cheese, coke, you know, mostly food related).

    and also? Hal is totally a dunlevy- he looks so much like alice and clark- those eyes!

    and black? i could never pull that off, but of course you can and navy blue. :)

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  4. Postpartum is weird, and I so get this. The sobbing over everyday stuff...yeah...been there...about to be there again. It's amazing how totally worth it they are though.

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  5. I totally get this. And love that you posted about it. :)

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  6. You are so good at putting little things like this that everyone experiences into words. And, he's adorable.

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  7. Elizabeth said it exactly right, "I get this. We all do."

    Postpartum is crazy and hard and wonderful all at the same time.

    Thanks for letting us "in" on your journey.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  8. Oh that sweet baby face!! He's so perfect. :)

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  9. Despite being only one year younger than you, I haven't experienced pregnancy, delivery or post-partum yet.

    BUT I've seen a million different newborns/babies/toddlers, and yours are among the cutest/sweetest/most gorgeous I've ever seen.

    Definitely worth this emotional rollercoaster.

    Hooray to Hal!

    Hugs from Rome.

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  10. You say it well. The smallest this is so ridiculous and yet so crushing. And all you can do about it is cry.

    I'm not postpartum (well, I guess I'm four and a half YEARS postpartum, but that doesn't count), but this post is inspiring me to attend to the desperate state of my toenails.

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  11. I so get this too. I had a pedicure before delivering both of my girls and I never could bring myself to remove it!

    Your little Hal is so perfect and I loved reading your birth story. I don't know how you manage to tear yourself away from just staring at his newborn cuteness to share these posts with us, but I'm so glad you do.

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  12. I jokingly said that the first 3 (maybe 4) months of crying was tough on our family...mine not the babies! LOL
    My "baby" is 7months already and not a day goes by that I don't feel like time is flying. I LOVE the thought of how many times you are going to have the chance to change that nail polish with that perfect little boy nearby :) He is such a beautiful little angel.
    aahhh postpartum......
    It's hard! It's emotional!
    after 9+ months of getting used to it - it all changes so very quickly. Give it time. Remember to take help and love from others!
    Wonderful birth story -thank you so much for sharing!

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  13. your manicure was one of the first things I noticed in your birth photos- I thought very cute and stylish, that Erin, even in labor. I know that emotion though. exactly how you described it, although i don't think I could have put it to words like you did.

    and I think the crying helps get all those extra hormones out of your system :)

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  14. Your posts lately have been making me want to have another baby! I'm done having babies (I think), but seeing your awesome home birth makes me want another JUST so I can go through labor again. CRAZY! Thanks so much for sharing yourself! I check back all the time to see if you've posted anything new. Yes, I'm a stalker. And a lurker.
    --Brandy

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  15. Oh the weepy postpartum. It is so strange. In a way, I sort of like it. Feeling things so strongly.

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  16. I got pedicures constantly during my first pregnancy and I remember so clearly picking out the polish I would be wearing when my baby girl was born - a pink shade I wouldn't have chosen normally but seemed appropriate for having a baby girl. it is so interesting the little things we hold on to. You need to make sure you have your own private bottle of the exact color you were wearing when Hal was born - makes a great memento and you can wear it again and again as reminders (I have colors from my engagement, wedding and baby births)

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  17. I completely, wholeheartedly, 100% understand this sentiment. I remember after Henry was born, and crying when my mom was sitting with my while I was nursing and started talking about when he's 2. I started bawling, telling her not to talk about that because it made me think of him not being little. I was so distraught over her comment, it sent me into a complete tailspin.

    And thank you for posting your homebirth story. I'm planning for one in early December, and every magical, beautiful outcome helps me prepare and remain hopeful that I will have the same.

    Hal is beautiful, and so are you, Erin.

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  18. Newborns are awesome. Hal is awesome. So much to be emotional about notwithstanding the hormones. Thank you so much for sharing your experience!

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  19. Hal is absolutely beautiful! And your bith story was wonderful and amazing. Thank you for sharing it.

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  20. Postpartum was mixed with bittersweetness in my emotions. I sometimes miss the highs of it but then again I don't. I do miss an infant!

    Hal is perfect!

    Nell

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  21. he is so squishy and beautiful!

    i cried over a Styrofoam cup at the hospital. it's a long story, but I missed having it full of icewater near me all the time. Leaving my birthing suite and all the beautiful nurses left me a sobbing mess.

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  22. What a sweet story! Your writer's voice is just delightful. I gave birth 6 weeks ago, so those emotions are so accessible to me right now, too.

    Congratulations!

    P.S. He's so adorable!

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  23. i was a bit stressed due to work and stuffs lately.But reading your blogs made me feel light.Wonderful.keep blogging and i ll keep following whenever can manage lil time.
    The baby is super cute.Would love to catch more glipmse of him.Him right?

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  24. Crazy, crazy post pregnancy hormones ... I remember them well. And I harbor some now in the form of breastfeeding-induced hormones.
    Here's to switching your nail polish thousands of times while you're raising that little cutie.
    {Also, I'm only sorta kinda on Flickr, but I was thinking of taking the full leap for photog support.}

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