8.11.2010

august (and everything after)

A year ago today, we were waiting at the bedside of my Papa, Dale.  We knew he was going to be leaving our world very soon but we didn't know exactly when.  A week?  Two weeks?  Three days?  All we had to go by were vague physical signposts and the stuff they said in the hospice book.  At the time I remember being bothered by the odd, sad, unsettling similarity to waiting for a new baby.

I couldn't have planned it this way if I'd tried, but I'm 39 weeks pregnant today, and a baby is coming, though we don't know exactly when.  As I wait and smile over these last exciting days wondering if it will be two weeks or three days, I can't stop myself from reliving last August.

It was August 10th, a year ago yesterday, that Papa asked to hold Alice.  He could only sort-of whisper and he was totally paralyzed and weighed less than 100 pounds, but he made it clear that he wanted to hold Alice.  We put her on his lap and put his hands on her fat thighs so he could feel her chub.  He sat there and teared up and kind of smiled.  We stood around him holding our breath and holding his arms, holding her up, and smiling at the two of them. It was the single most heartbreaking moment of my life, so far.  He died two days later.

I want to write, I want to socialize, I want to be part of the world, but I am totally in my own little place and I can't help it.  I'm happy and introspective and busying myself around the house.  I'm alternately full of energy and totally exhausted and I can't believe it, but we are to the part where we wait.
We are waiting.
We are going to have a baby, very very soon.
And his middle name will be Dale.

-

28 comments:

  1. that's wonderful sweetie.
    and your bellied self glows.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, you are lovely. Inside and out.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's so funny because after you said his name at the beginning I started wondering if baby would have his name. :)

    Sending love and belly hugs to you as you wait these last few days...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I remember. I understand. And also, much love to you, so much.

    Steph

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mmmm...this posts makes me go mmmm....like tasting a rich, carmel-y last bite of the last piece of cheesecake.

    Oh, honey. Your Papa holding your baby in all her chubby babyness. The introspective waiting. The strike-a-pose-theres-nothing-to-it photo.

    How can I adore someone I've never met as much as I do you? ;)

    love coming your way, baby.

    xo e.

    (ps - and that album? a flood of nostalgia. the music of my teens. so good.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Cory's papa, who has been my papa too for the last 11 years, is very very close to passing. I've been taking the kids over there every other day at least to visit and it's just so heartbreaking.
    This hit really close to home.
    I love you and that baby in your belly.
    And I can't believe it's gone so fast! Amazing how fast things move when you're not the one pregnant, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Erin. This made me cry. I can't wait for your little boy and I think it's really special that he will have your Papa's name for his whole life.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This and you are beautiful. Can't wait to meet him.

    ReplyDelete
  9. dale was my best grandfather's name too. noel's middle name is his last name. :)

    very much looking forward to hearing all about this new journey...

    much love.

    ReplyDelete
  10. dale was my best grandfather's name too. noel's middle name is his last name. :)

    very much looking forward to hearing all about this new journey...

    much love.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Erin, you always share so much of yourself that I feel guilty reading without leaving a comment.

    I don't have anything clever at all to say. Thank you for being you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. And I think Big Dale has been hanging out with Baby Dale for quite some time now, ready to usher him into your arms.

    Double sweetness.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh my darling... I'm so very thrilled for you and for all your new stuff... a baby. Wow. WOW!! So soon, mama... and Dale is an excellent name. Your papa would be thrilled. Yes.

    I'm hugging you. xox

    ReplyDelete
  14. erin, this is beyond touching. really, truly incredible. it's a happy wait for you this august. enjoy this moment, i know you must be.

    thinking all good thoughts for you, and whether it be today, tomorrow, 3 days from now or a week- you're going to do great.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is such a beautiful post, Erin. That was such a hard week, I remember.

    I can't wait to meet this sweet boy!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh, you beautiful lady! Enjoy the wait. He'll be here oh, so very soon.

    ReplyDelete
  17. oh girl, I cannot wait for you! Can't wait to hear the good news. And if you let me, this local girl would love to bring your sweet family dinner.

    ReplyDelete
  18. the way you live in these moments and the way you're able remember the sweetest details- your kids will have an amazing heritage from this stuff. love you friend- praying for you- and so excited to hear about your home birth!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh that belly. Oh, oh, oh.

    Love!

    It.

    You!

    Nell

    ReplyDelete
  20. This post is beautiful. Simply beautiful. I am so glad I found your blog. And I am so excited for your little guy to be here and to have the middle name "Dale". Sigh...

    And? Counting Crows? Swoon!

    ReplyDelete
  21. this is so beautiful. what a memory of your Papa. beautiful.

    i love how it is hard, but you are waiting very gracefully. [even if you aren't always, you are. i promise.]

    ReplyDelete
  22. God, this is so beautiful. Life and death, endings and beginnings, all woven together in a pattern we can never really understand, only trust. I look forward to your news.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You are beautiful. This is beautiful. I can't wait to hear that he's here.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Tears and Hugs! I was just reframing pictures of my grandfather's today - one with grandpa Blaine holding a baby about Alice's age. I am so glad your new baby will have that special name!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I get so introspective and anti-social when I am pregnant too. So focused. The world passes right by me, while I wait for new life.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

    ReplyDelete