Clark is doing the preschool thing this year and it is kind of freaking me out.
Although I was a gifted-program-try-hard-work-hard sort of student, I hated school.
In high school I dreaded every day.
I hated the way I had to ask for permission to go to the bathroom and that sometimes, the teachers said no.
I hated the way I had to run, literally, from one class to another because the passing periods weren't long enough to get there on time if moving at a regular speed.
I hated forgetting my gym uniform.
I hated being graded on how well I could serve a volleyball.
I hated taking standardized tests at 7:15 in the morning, when I could barely peel my eyes open.
I hated math class. Oh my gosh-- how I hated math class.
I hated the sign-in sheets and the "NO PARKING in the East lot!" and the way they locked all of the doors when the bell rang so I had to walk to the unlocked front door if I was late. I hated that the unlocked front door was really far away and sometimes it was snowing and icy and my fingers were numb and my feet nearly slipped out from under me as I trekked over there in the dark carrying 75 pounds of books on my back and an oversized poster board covered in information about Ayn Rand in my hand. I hated that three official "tardys" landed me in Friday School, which was basically in-school suspension, and that I had to stare at a wall the entire time. Making eye contact with other students was not allowed in Friday School. Making eye contact in Friday School got you more Friday School.
The day I graduated from High School was one of the best days of my life. I remember skipping and running from Conseco Fieldhouse after the cap and gown ceremony, holding hands with my best friends and lit up with a glowy feeling of freedom I had never felt before. I remember shouting, "I NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK!" somewhat manically. I was aching to get away from it all and never look back. (I did force myself to go to college that Fall, but quit after two disastrous years and got married-- another story for another day.)
What I am trying to say if I could just get to the point already? I am not ready to get back into a serious relationship with a school system. I have been sweeping all thoughts of my kids starting school into a tidy little pile in the back in my brain. I know it is just preschool, I know, I know I am over-thinking things. But school is school, and I am already intimidated by the volunteer requests and the forms and deadlines and the fact that they charge you a $10 fine if you are late to pick up your kid. It makes my heart beat faster. They say "$10 fine" but all I hear is "Friday School".
This problem I have with school? It is just me. It's my personality. It's my brain's problem; it's not school's problem, and it is most certainly not Clark's problem. Clark is really excited about school so (deep breath) I am excited about school. I just have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I can do this. I am a grown-up now. I take three kids out in public. I make them food and love them and get them dressed. I clean up their messes. I am sleep deprived but somehow functional. I'm not the disorganized teenager I once was. I am going to choose to view the silly little things that seemed insurmountably annoying to me ten years ago as silly little things. I can handle this. I will push myself to do things the right way, every time. And you know? Because I am doing this for Clark, it won't even be a question. I won't be late. I will never be late. I might not be a very good student, but I am a damn good mom.
Yesterday was his first full day. Wish us luck.
*this line is from this song, a song i loved in high school. laziness cuts me like fine cutlery and all that.