Me: This little baby is so sweet, Luke. Look at him. He is so sweet. I just wonder who he is, you know? Who are you little baby? What are you like? What are you gonna be like?
Luke: I don't know, what are any of them gonna be like? What am I gonna be like? I hope I turn out okay.
He didn't say it all funny-like, the way he says most things. He just said it with a shrug, like, this is the sad reality of life, people are a mess.
And yeah, people are a mess. Human means flawed and flawed can mean, well, anything. I guess I have no idea who my kids are or who they will be or what they're gonna be like, as sure as I am that my love for them will unflinchingly hold true forever and ever and all of that stuff. Very surely, it will be a "because of" kinda love and an "in spite of" kinda love; it'll be a fill in the blanks, I love you, I wish you could see things my way on this, I love you, you are doing a great job with that, I am so proud of you, I love you. On and on. Fill in the blanks.
I myself am not even quite the same as I was when I got married. I'm the same in lots of ways -- I still love Gene Kelly and singing and sushi and getting dressed up and old things and the strangely beautiful beautifully strange parts of life -- I have been the same in those ways since I was about six. But I am different too. Better in some ways, and also more confused, more mindful and intentional of every thought and action, more emotionally mature but also more emotionally vulnerable, clearer, more focused, more anxious -- more concerned about less. I am turning out and turning out. How am I turning out?
And for some reason when my husband (of seven years who held my hand for the first time thirteen years ago this month) said this little off-the-cuff remark it struck me as wise and sad and true but also okay and it didn't scare me.
And for the record, I think Luke is turning out great. Turning and turning and turning out great.
PS. I love that I put the search widget on my sidebar and everyone is searching for "sex" - as if! HA! And "Luke" so I guess this post should make those people happy. Oh, and also for Facebook? Should I make a Facebook page for my blog? I am so bad at figuring technical blog stuff out. I still haven't gotten swonderland.net to successfully redirect to www.swonderland.net. Anyone know how to fix that? No? Oh well. Yawn. Back to my loud house. Happy weekend friends.