10.22.2010

strangely beautiful beautifully strange

Me:  This little baby is so sweet, Luke.  Look at him.  He is so sweet.  I just wonder who he is, you know?  Who are you little baby?  What are you like?  What are you gonna be like?

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Luke:  I don't know, what are any of them gonna be like?  What am I gonna be like? I hope I turn out okay.

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He didn't say it all funny-like, the way he says most things. He just said it with a shrug, like, this is the sad reality of life, people are a mess.

And yeah,  people are a mess.  Human means flawed and flawed can mean, well, anything.  I guess I have no idea who my kids are or who they will be or what they're gonna be like, as sure as I am that my love for them will unflinchingly hold true forever and ever and all of that stuff.  Very surely, it will be a "because of" kinda love and an "in spite of" kinda love; it'll be a fill in the blanks, I love you, I wish you could see things my way on this, I love you, you are doing a great job with that, I am so proud of you, I love you.  On and on.  Fill in the blanks.

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I myself am not even quite the same as I was when I got married.  I'm the same in lots of ways -- I still love Gene Kelly and singing and sushi and getting dressed up and old things and the strangely beautiful beautifully strange parts of life -- I have been the same in those ways since I was about six.  But I am different too.  Better in some ways, and also more confused, more mindful and intentional of every thought and action, more emotionally mature but also more emotionally vulnerable, clearer, more focused, more anxious -- more concerned about less. I am turning out and turning out.  How am I turning out? 

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And for some reason when my husband (of seven years who held my hand for the first time thirteen years ago this month) said this little off-the-cuff remark it struck me as wise and sad and true but also okay and it didn't scare me.

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And for the record, I think Luke is turning out great.  Turning and turning and turning out great.

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PS. I love that I put the search widget on my sidebar and everyone is searching for "sex" - as if! HA! And "Luke" so I guess this post should make those people happy.  Oh, and also for Facebook? Should I make a Facebook page for my blog? I am so bad at figuring technical blog stuff out. I still haven't gotten swonderland.net to successfully redirect to www.swonderland.net. Anyone know how to fix that? No? Oh well. Yawn. Back to my loud house. Happy weekend friends.

13 comments:

  1. This is sweet, and mindful, and lovely, and just like you're turning out.

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  2. This is really, really lovely. I think I would really like your husband, too.

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  3. i love the "this is what looks get for never reading my blog" label. :) but also, those are deep thoughts that really struck me.

    and your family is so stinkin cute. you must have more babies. :)

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  4. I am glad I found your beautiful blog. No matter what you have written about, I always get a happy little quirky feeling when I read.

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  5. i can't even put into words how much i love this.

    can i hug this post?

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  6. There are many times I cringe internally, thinking about how much I'm screwing my kids up.

    I hope I'm not doing too much damage that will cause them to be messed up as adults, hate me, or need therapy.

    But I try and realize that, no matter how good I think I do with them, you never know what your child is going to turn out to be. What they'll think about their childhood.

    I've seen people come out of the same family and have vastly different opinions about their childhood. Same kids, different memories, different issues.

    I hate that I myself have so many issues hanging out under the surface. I quite miss the carefree days of the past, when my issues were so buried I hardly knew they were there. Sometimes I try to bury them deep again but it just isn't possible now that they've surfaced.

    *sigh*

    Life is heavy.

    Too heavy, sometimes.

    Nell

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  7. Life is so beautiful and tragic and confusing and poignant and beautiful. And you write about it beautifully :)

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  8. Such a poignant post, and I truly needed these words today. It was one of those days. In fact, I looked at my sweet four year old son, after he greeted me back home, and thought "wow, I've made so many mistakes with this innocent, amazing soul already". But life is messy and difficult and mistake-ridden. And all I can do is try to love my babies, my family, and know when to say "I'm so sorry, love". Beautiful post, beautiful writing, and beautiful family :)

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  9. a lovely post. the light in these pictures makes me nostalgic.

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  10. Love your blog and your sweet little children. And, you are a very bad influence in making me think that adding #3 will be no big deal.....except for the Target story and my dinky little town doesn't even have a Target so that should be fine.

    Laura

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  11. I love that us humans are always evolving and changing. This is beautiful and eloquent post.

    And your photos are so good. :)

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  12. So true. I think it's important to realize and honor the ways that we keep changing. Thank God for it, even though change makes me afraid, but I do love knowing I am growing into, hopefully, a better, more loving, more compassionate, more thoughtful person. I have changed SO MUCH in the past ten years - especially my opinions - that it's a little wonky to look back at who I used to be.

    And I so relate to the feeling that I will love my kiddo with an unchanging love. I think that's the best thing you can give your child, even as an adult. I have always felt completely secure in my parents' love. It's a gift, for sure.

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  13. Erin, this is maybe my favorite post ever. It makes me remember how I was a little bit sad when you were little. I knew that because you were alive on earth, you would suffer through a lot. There is a lot of beauty too. We even lost Papa together, and even though we are a little sad every day, there are still beautiful things. Though we are not really optimistic types, I'm glad you share my passion for life. That is the best thing we can pass on to our kids I guess, is passion for all things in life. Sorry I was a little sappy. Time to read the paper or get the brakes fixed on the truck or something. Why do I have to be anonymous if I don't have a blog? Love you. LG

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