I started writing a post a few days ago but it didn't feel quite right so I stared at it for awhile and blinked and changed the way I worded things and then hit "save as draft" instead of "publish". It is a fine post, nice even, but it was all too sweet-sweet for the way I feel right now.
I haven't had a productive, stirring thought in days or maybe even weeks. Instead I have festered; distressed by the ever exploding house, the Winter Laundry (three times larger volume than the Summer Laundry!), the cold weather, the sick kids, the Daylight Savings change, all of it.
I've felt annoyed and negative about absolutely everything. People, stuff, myself. I've been holed up in my cave, pointing my finger, rolling my eyes, wanting new things (new curtains, a new rug, new dishes, new pots and pans, a new camera, new shoes and dresses and tights and a haircut and all expensive and fancy and ridiculous and the list GOES ON) and ranting to Luke about topics I'm not even sure I actually care about.
Where did it come from?
When did it move in?
I think I invited it and even enjoyed having it around, at first.
It gave me energy for awhile but has left me feeling kinda weary.
How do I kick it out?
Tomorrow I am going to move the furniture around and take the kids outside and tell myself over and over that it's okay to be positive and sweet-sweet and content. Maybe I will create something or cook some good food or draw a picture or sing loud loud loud for the first time in months. This is how I kick it out.
(I am so ready.)
(Also it is 1am which used to be 2am which is late and insane and I need to go to sleep because Alice will wakeup at 5am which used to be 6am which is early AND INSANE.)