|my twenty-five-years-ago family|
He taught me songs and music and sometimes we would make cassette tapes, him playing and me singing. My grandma listened to these tapes of our songs up until the day she died; the last time I visited her (in July, 36 weeks pregnant, eeking in a last trip to see her before Hal arrived) she made us listen to them. I hid outside in the yard because I was shy and she and Luke laughed at me and they smiled when I finally came back in the room, eyes all twinkly every time, they had been telling secrets. "I just always wish you had done more with your singing," she would say. And I would smile because I didn't know how else to respond.
I decided to be brave and submit a singing video for The Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert if for no other reason than than the knowledge that it would have made my grandparents really, really happy. A singing video! Like singing, on video, on YouTube. This is the girl who wouldn't listen to the tapes of her ten year old self singing just four months ago. But I made myself try. Of course I kept getting two thirds of the way through and then forgetting a word or Alice would come in crying or Clark would run up and clasp his hand over my mouth. I was frustrated and kept putting the project off and I wanted to say, forget it, no, this is silly, I quit, but Luke encouraged me after the crazies were in bed last night to just do something short and quick and so I did and it turned out okay, I'd say, even though I had to sing low and quietly to not wake up the kids on the other side of the wall, even though, like most things in life, it isn't perfect or exactly right. I can't hold out for exactly right anymore, or I'll never jump. So I sent my just recorded video (thank you iPhone 4) in five minutes before midnight last night and it felt like so... not a big deal. Really. Truly. I don't even feel embarrassed. It's just, you know, whatever. Funny how you can get braver, just by making yourself be braver.
Merry Christmas lovelies.