feel better

Do you ever get in that bad place where nothing sounds good?

Where your brain is screaming and feels all folded up inside? Caffeine would feel bad. Alcohol would feel bad. Food would feel bad. Sleep would feel bad or maybe it would feel good for a minute but you know it would just feel extra bad, ultimately?

I have felt like that for awhile now, with the worst in the last five days or so. The baby has been having a hard time at night, not wanting to nurse or sleep or cuddle or anything but stand upright on me and bounce, for hours. Like, from the hours of 1-4, when I have just fallen asleep for the night, and then he wakes up at 6 and is awake for the day. I am sure this is a phase and at least partly because when I consume dairy it bothers his stomach, but I've been getting lazier and lazier with my diet and cheating too much. I feel awful for him. I will not cheat anymore.

Walking around the house just now, I felt very nearly like crying out. What do I do to feel better? I don't want someone to help me. I don't want a break or a new outfit or a treat. I just want to be back on my game. I want to feel better. I reached up and grabbed the door frame, absentmindedly, and stretched out and then the sun started shining through our back window onto my face and I felt warm, warm from the sun, for the first time in months. Warm from the sun, warm from the sun, I wanted to feel warm from the sun. And as I stretched there I felt like a kitten or a responsible person who does yoga or a kid. And it felt better than a haircut or a date-night or a cup of coffee with real cream.

reality, today


  1. I feel you Erin, I really do.

    Praying always helps me, every single time.

    love from San Diego, xo

  2. I know the feeling. The sun feels wonderful after a long time without it. Good luck keeping your warm sunshine.

  3. Oh I do hope it's already better. Did I ever send you those dairy free links? I was dairy & nut free over 2 years for Gray. It's hard in some perspectives and so worth it. Hope tonight sees a good rest
    For you.


  4. I miss you. Let's get together next week for sure, I'll bring the sandwiches.

  5. How do you manage to look gorgeous even on your bad days? Not fair.

    I hope it gets better <3

  6. I can relate, except food always feels good to me. Which is why I keep expanding.

  7. I've had a few rough days here too and we've all been sick off and on for the last month so I can somewhat relate. I'm glad you had a little moment in the sun.

    And also? Wishing I could join you and Emily for sandwiches. :-)

  8. oh erin. i am feeling you so hard right now. that's one of the reasons i've been quiet'ish online lately - save today. today, i felt somewhat human again for a bit.

    but my house makes me want to cry a whole lot. i need to get organized. i need to clear out a buttload of crap. i need, i need, i need. but i have no time. or energy. or gumption.

    and also? what is up with the babies wanting to stand 24/7? i call lucy "plank baby" right now because she will not sit. my arms are numb by the end of the day.

    so yes. i know this feeling. i know it so well. i even looked at the bottle of wine in my fridge last night and said, "meh."

    i love you. xo

  9. I feel better every day that I shower and shave. I feel worse every day that I can't slough the remains of the day before off myself.

    So...I guess I'm saying....shave?

    No, that's not right.

  10. I'm going through the same thing. Although it's different this winter because I have a baby and time doesn't stand still for them. I don't have a choice. I can't stay in bed all day. It's very frustrating and I end up moping around and not leaving the house all day (mistake). What gives me hope is that I think this is the lowest point of winter....it can only get warmer and brighter each day, right?

  11. I sat on the bottom step of our stairs in front of my glass door to catch the afternoon sun today. Also, yesterday, while letting my kids play in the ice/snow, for one moment, the sun was at some kind of perfect angle, and I could actually feel its heat through the hood of my coat, and it was like deja vu: "I know I have had this feeling some time in the distant past." Warmth, from the sun.

    And, I am so glad you have a laundry-dining-room-table, too. Sometimes, I just let the kids eat on the floor. It's what hardwood is for. And, February.

  12. Your table looks like my couch...and all the chairs in my living room. And, this post looks like what's been in my head for the past few months. I keep telling Stephan that I don't feel like myself. I just want to feel like me again. I think mine's a combo of baby blues bordering on postpartum depression and winter icks. I had that sunlight moment at the beginning of last month. There wasn't any sunshine involved though. It was just like a glimpse of the old me. I keep getting glimpses and sometimes even days. Things are improving for sure, but holy cow. I'm ready for whoever has hijacked the real me to step away.

    Hope you're feeling better already! Just drop the dairy. I wish I had with Levi. Hal sounds just like Levi. I barely got any sleep the first 6 months of his life....really the first year. I'm trying to drop it with Sophia hoping in hopes that it will help her eczema from hell.

  13. Oh, I've been there...recently. Hang in there. The sun will always shine...you just need to find the doorway to hold onto.

  14. I feel you. Every winter I feel this and so much more so last winter as I tried to learn how to be a mother of 3.
    Do you think that people without winter are better off? I think I might.

  15. This time of year is SO DANG HARD--I think we sometimes downplay just how depressing and bleh-inducing all the gray and cold and yuck can be. I am so there with you. Even on the rare days it's sunny out, I'm so low-energy from the rest of the days that I can barely bring myself to go outside.

    I'm taking a vitamin d3 supplement and it seems to be helping. Not that a vitamin is a quick fix for real down-ness...but I think this time of year we need all the help we can get. Hang in there.

  16. I think this winter is really doing a number on all of us. But you know what helps me? Tea with fresh grated ginger root, lemon and honey. And also vitamin D supplements.

    We will make it through!

  17. oh my, YES.

    "like a responsible person that does yoga"

    I quote that because I love how every little thing you say is something I could have said.

    And I love you.

  18. I so get this. Hoping this week brings much sun and warmth to you.

  19. i have been feeling this way for about two weeks now. i live in a place where it's perpetually sunny, all the time. like some sitcom. and i find that i need the overcast, cool, rainy days desperately. in them i find my sanctuary, strangely enough. so maybe you, like a cat, need a good stretch in the sun. and i, like a frog, need a good romp in the rain. anyway, i know this feeling and i'm really getting tired of it. next time it rains here, i'm going out to run around. i suspect i'll feel much better after that. i hope you're feeling much better already, and see to it that you soak up that sun when it shines on you.

  20. I know exactly how you feel. Today I felt really awful. Like my eyes were burning, I was so tired. Our little baby doesn't want to nap and it's a constant struggle. I caught myself in the mirror today and i just looked like a schleb and I felt just like that too. Like I wanted to hide in my closet. Sleep deprivation does not fare well for the mental. cyberhug to you.

  21. It's ok to cry, and it's ok for baby's to cry.. you dont have to have it all together mama.. life isn't all together.. we are all in this.. we all feel or have felt this.
    its hard not to with the lack of sleep us mothers get.. but in the end it is so worth it..
    you are a great mother!

  22. ((hugs))
    we've all been there. you'll find your sunshine soon.

  23. I've felt that way before.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    P.S. I like your pictures a lot. I hope to take pictures like yours when I grow up. ;)