3.10.2011

or whatever

So the other night I had a nightmare.  Alice and Hal were gone.  That was the whole thing.  Clark and I were talking and talking and then we looked around and realized that Alice and Hal were gone.  It sure doesn't sound like much, but it gave me the nightmare sickness.  You know the nightmare sickness? The hollow feeling that you can't shake off even after you wake, the scared to move or look around the dark room, frozen, shaking sickness?  It gave me that. And I thought about saying my dream out loud to Luke, but I knew the words could not possibly carry the weight of feeling I had had and that he wouldn't understand at all and that that wasn't his fault, that's just how things are sometimes. Even real things. Even in the walking-around wide awake world.  There are lots of things, situations, feelings, encounters, passive aggressive conversations, little parts of the day -- things we can't explain.  So we end up plodding along with these feelings and emotions and problems that can't be understood or validated by others.  I know that that is life, and that it's okay, and it helps us grow or whatever.  But sometimes it is lonely.


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Last night I had a very sore throat.  I looked in the mirror and there were bright red swollen bumps all over my tonsils.  I am overtired and overstretched and I prayed that it would go away.  And it did.  My throat is fine now. I just felt like telling the world.


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20 comments:

  1. Sounds like someone could use a weekend away, both to rest the mind and the tonsils.

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  2. that's the worst. i have dreams like this too sometimes. how do we make them stop?

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  3. I think you dreamed that Alice and Hal were gone because Alice disappeared for a few seconds at McDonalds and we didn't know where she was. Do you remember that? It was a bit scary. I think it made an impression on you and just popped in your head as a random dream. BUT, I do know what you mean and I am glad your sore throat went away. Hope it doesn't come back. Yes, I am up late. I think it's time for bed. Love you.

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  4. I am glad you're feeling better. Sweet sleep tonight.

    Steph

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  5. That last picture is heartbreakingly wonderful. The loneliness inside your head can be so overwhelming sometimes. Loving you today.

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  6. Yes!

    While the nightmare about our kids can be so unbelievably hard to shake, it's those daily moments -- the ones you can't explain to anyone, not even your spouse, that seem to build up the most to me. Sometimes it feels like I live a completely separate life from my husband -- even as hard as we try to keep ourselves together, all the times even in exhaustion that we force ourselves to converse about the day -- you just can't communicate all of it. And it feels like that's what I want the most -- for him to understand ALL of it. The weight of every single second of it.

    I think you just hit on the root of a mother's loneliness. That vague feeling that I've never been able to describe.

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  7. Oh prayers...aren't they lovely? I'm so glad you're feeling better. And the nightmare thing? Oh man, I get the worst dreams when I'm pregnant. Like people die. Like you said, i can't even put them into words to tell the hubs. ::sigh::

    On a bright note...t's almost spring! Hopefully the sunshine and warmer air will help to lighten moods and hearts. I know I desperately need it and am looking forward to it.

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  8. I had strep throat this week. And I still can't swallow without wincing.

    I hate those dreams. And I often feel both lonely and the need to be left alone. Weird.

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  9. Yeah for answered prayers, and boo to bad dreams! I have dreams where I wake up furious with my husband. It's always hard because the emotional response is so real, but he's done nothing. Haha! He just laughs at me.

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  10. I loathe the "nightmare sickness" and I know exactly what you are talking about.

    Hope you have nightmare-free weekend... xo

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  11. i totally get the dream sickness. it's this vague unsettled feeling that's tethered to my thoughts the whole rest of the day, and I can't ever shake it. even if it's not that bad a dream, it just feels like being followed by something weird and shadowy.

    thank you for always posting such thoughtful and REAL stories. it's really comforting to know other people think this way too.

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  12. you hit the nail on the head with this one.
    I am lonely a lot. Not alone in the physical sense, I have many great friends.
    But more alone in my thoughts that I think others might not understand, or I am too insecure to share.

    I feel you.

    I don't say this to butter you up, but your posts are some of my favorites reads, like...ever.

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  13. Can relate fully, 100% never knew how to write it or get it out but I think you did my mind justice.

    thank goodness for a better throat

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  14. Blech! I hate weird dreams and they ARE so isolating!! But, I think that saying them out loud helps so much, it diffuses their power. Anyway bummer. And glad you feel better!!

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  15. oh, for the understanding and validation. I'm trying more and more to turn inward but also elsewhere for that. like you did with the tonsils.

    glad you're feeling better. miss you and our chats.

    xo

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  16. Oh, reading this I totally understand what you're saying. Some days I find the thought that we are all sort of alone in our thoughts, like the million little fleeting ones that pass us by, quite lonely.... but then I find a strange comfort that other people are having these little blips of thoughts too. Its a curious thing!

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  17. I know what you mean, about carrying around "too much stuff." Feelings and emotions or whatever. It definitely can be lonely. xoxo

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  18. don't you love it when you pray for something, and your prayer is answered? in way that's noticeable and tangible and immediately evident? also, i hate those dreams, where you can't move when you wake up the fear is so paralyzing. i know those dreams and hate them, too. i wish i could come over and watch the kids and buy you and the hubs a night alone. just to be.

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  19. Yeah, I get it. Both the nightmare sickness and just wanting someone to know you feel crappy and tired. I wish you rest and health and sweet, sweet dreams.

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  20. So glad the sickness stayed away!

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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