5.25.2011

blink blink

we don't have a desktop computer.  we have a laptop. it stays folded up under my bed most of the time.
this makes it hard to write.

i have three little kids who have competing demands for every second of my time.  i took ALL THREE KIDS with me to the eye doctor today.  we are at target buying bread every other day yet i sometimes don't wash my hair for five days straight.  there isn't a lot of time and there is never time for my own self that doesn't come with guilt and rush and pressure.
this makes it hard to write.

i have neurosis and confidence issues.  i am a perfectionist and hate when i hit publish on something that isn't just so.  i sometimes feel like the people who should be rooting for me are snickering at me, for whatever reason, instead.  even if it isn't always true.  (it is sometime true.)
this makes it hard to write.

but.

i have ideas and words and thoughts that have never been put anywhere and i want to put them somewhere because it makes me feel better.  i don't have to be an excellent writer, i just have to feel better.
as soon as luke gets my laptop working i will set it up on the desk with the cursor blinking.  i will turn my brain upside down and shake out the thoughts and feel better.

•
eye doctor fun

25 comments:

  1. I love hearing your shaken-out thoughts ; ) Let's hear more.

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  2. 1. You are amazing for taking all 3 kids to the eye doctor with you.
    2. You are just amazing.

    I feel the exact same way pretty much every time I post a blog post. I feel like it's not long enough or pretty enough or good enough, but I publish it anyway. I do this in most areas of my life and like the blog thing instead of doing them good enough I don't do them at all. But, I realize this is perfectionism and I don't want to be a perfectionist. I want to do my best and be ok with it. Lately, I've been mopping and just getting the job done and not trying to get every little spot and speck. I've been just doing my best and not trying to to do it perfect. So yeah, I can relate. :)

    And, Erin, I love when you blog!

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  3. Take it a step further. Set up an "inspiration" desk/area -- I really want to do that, too. Thanks for sharing your words. (Rooting for you, for real.)

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  4. I feel you.
    I am doing the Wordpress Post A Day Challenge this year.
    I'm doing it for me.
    If I miss a day, it's no big deal.
    The writing and putting together thoughts...or not putting together thoughts and just rambling...or posting a photo...or a quote...or all of the above is cathartic.
    I only have two young kiddos (almost 4 and almost 2) and life is crazy.
    I am older than you, though not much wiser, but I do know that you HAVE to make time for you and NOT feel guilty about it.
    It's hard...I struggle with it. But, it makes me a better mommy, wife and friend.
    Just do what you can do each day, but each day make sure you do something for yourself.
    I love your blog posts, by the way.

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  5. But! Even if there are those who should support you and cheer you on but don't, for their own messed up reasons - think of the people who feel like they know you and like you. (Like me!) Seriously. I love your little family and think you're the bees' knees. So there is that, if that's any comfort. And I have been blogging a long time, dinosaur years nearly, and I have friendships that have developed and continued and I am so rich because of them. My world is so much wider.

    Just writing it out, for me, helps me feel more sane. It helps me know what I think and feel. Even if what that is can change with the wind. So just write and take your amazing pictures and remember these days of crazy young-un's...it really does go by so fast.

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  6. And we'll be here to read. I like all your thoughts. LOTS. :)

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  7. i think mommyhood eats up every second of life. unless we make special time for ourselves (i myself have yet to do this, but also feel the need)? the time doesn't just appear otherwise, and there is no way to squeeze it out of existing time, it seems...
    i would love your blogs even if you occasionally sounded like you fell asleep in your mason jar of coffee and accidentally pushed the publish button. but they never sound like that. all your blogs are great and i always love them, never feel critically about them.
    I think of pushing "publish" as a therapeutic "letting go" of my neurotic self-editor-gone-overboard.

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  8. I can't imagine anyone snickering, only wishing they could be more honest with themselves like you! But, I feel the same way so much. Something I have to get over every day.

    Steph

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  9. My life is making it hard for me to write these days, too. And hard for me to feel like anything I write is worth reading. There's no point to my saying that. Just that I know how you feel. And I love you, and I love reading you, and I look forward to more.

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  10. I worry that sometimes I have "something" to say (that might actually matter) and then others I have a big blank in the middle of my head.
    Ten thousand things going on. Massive amounts of juggling and yet.Nothing worth writing.
    I wonder - will I miss these things? the "mundane" of the day to day? maybe...new words, smiles, dances by baby legs...or runny noses, pinching and yelling...temper tantrums over a well worn elmo video...maybe not.
    :)
    I understand ya! :)

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  11. My thoughts. exactly. This sounded like my brain spilled out on your blog just now. As I read this all the way over in Italy, I am struck by how universal this- being a human mother thing is. I think "they" snicker at me, too... thanks at least for letting me know, I am not alone.

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  12. I have perfectionistic tendencies as well, but at 41 I have come to the conclusion that nobody, including myself, will never lie up to my expectations so I might as well do my best in the moment and then just let it go.

    And be.

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  13. just chiming in to cheer you on, my friend.

    also, I picked up another little something from a swap I went to last night. A little something for Alice this time. Saw it and thought instantly of you, snatched it up, oh yes I did. Watch the mail.

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  14. i'm rooting for you! no snickering here, just nods of understanding. and appreciation for your honesty.

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  15. we're not perfect either, love.

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  16. i started following you on instagram and then found your blog and i have to say, it has quickly become one of my favorites. i always love seeing your photos on instagram, too. i love your honesty and i feel like YOU are rooting for and supporting other moms in a way that i don't always see some parents doing. so to sum it up: i am rooting for you and can't wait to hear more of your thoughts!

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  17. "The perfect is the enemy of the good."

    Carry that around with you.

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  18. shake, shake, shake. i can't wait to hear more!!

    i am thankful for this recent workshop, because i'm like, "oooh! i have something to blog about!" because ... really ... my brain is a total mess of stuff that will never be spoken out loud.

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  19. I understand all those feelings. At some point, or maybe even now, I have felt all of those feelings.

    I know I can't be the only one who loves it when you share. You have a gift which allows you to connect with people.

    Anyone who isn't supportive of you really isn't worthy of your valuable time. Because Erin, you are cooler than ice cream!

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  20. i need to do it too. i just plain don't write enough. and it hurts...all those words fighting in my ribcage. let's make a pact: ten minutes a day. surely we can find that before bed or hidden between target trips (because, i swear, that is my salvation.)

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  21. I love your blogs. And your Twitter. And your Ingstagram. I understand the feeling that comes from not blogging. It's hard to get your voice back. BUT, you do such a great job of writing. Keep it up, we all love you!

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  22. And maybe this is why I haven't blogged since February?

    But I always enjoy reading your posts (even when I'm clearly weeks behind -- I will catch up soon)!

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  23. I get this.

    That's what I love about your blog. I come over and I feel more...normal. Or okay that I'm not normal. Or something like that.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  24. "we are at target buying bread every other day yet i sometimes don't wash my hair for five days straight" That was pretty much my chlidhood. Mama putting herself 2nd. It was a wonderful, crazy way to grow up, and they'll thank you someday!

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