the baby has been sick.  for months he has been sick. double ear infection after double ear infection after double ear infection. crying, misery, fever, sadness.  i have only written three posts this month because every single other post i would have written would have said, "my baby is sick.  i am tired.  my kids make big messes and i am dragging myself around and giving up."


he is getting better.  he is getting tubes put in his ears a week from tomorrow.  relief.
i am just trying to remember who i am, now.




Sometimes I think I can hear the time whooshing past, but really only late at night when everyone is sleeping and the clocks tick loud. And it doesn't sound like whooshing, really, more like a swirl and a hum and a settling sinking-in.

I went in my Grandma and Papa's house today. Nothing in the house had changed from the day she died. Her coffee cup was in the sink. But she was gone so I guess everything had changed. I put my hands on her vanity next to her lipsticks and lotions and creams and brushes and I could ever so slightly feel her vibe, her her-ness, it was right there and yet it really wasn't. She wasn't. She isn't.

I am in a hotel room now and it never gets quiet enough in hotel rooms to hear the time whooshing past. Tomorrow I will be back in my bed, listening to the swirl and the hum, letting them dull the edges and sharpen the sinking-in details.


8 or 18 or something like that

tonight luke started working on a work thing and after 45 minutes of silent typing said something along the lines of, "wow, i sure got a lot done on this considering that i am mostly BSing it" and i said, "yes of course you did, isn't BSing it how most things start?"

i turned 28 on friday.  i can't believe that i am 28 but i also can't believe i have three babies.  18 seems so long ago, now, like as long ago as 8.  is that what happens when you get older?  the past all feels cemented in oldness, but not really in varying degrees?  i think now that i am 28 people will at least validate back to me that i am indeed a grown-up.  i think.

i had a wonderful and beautiful day.  i had sushi and grapefruit margaritas and got two of the sweetest gifts on earth from my little tiny 11 and 12 year old brothers and new running shoes that feel like running shoes are supposed to feel and i spent two and a half hours at the goodwill bins with my oldest best friend in the world, marlene.  she asked me to take her and then there we were, totally engrossed and pointing at things to each other from across many rows with shrugged shoulders.  "this?  do you see this?  i don't know what it is but it's cute, right?"

i bought someone's entire calico critter collection for under $5. calico critters are clark and alice's very favorite thing and i just couldn't believe it when they started turning up in front of me there. when i found the first one, a squirrel, i kinda flipped out about it. "a calico critter!  i've never seen one here before! i was totally gonna buy the squirrel family next!"  i started combing over every little thing in the area until i had uncovered more and more and more. the whole squirrel family!  the tiny toy train! all the toys for the toy shop!  THE WHOLE TOY SHOP! and i kept going.  the other woman going through that bin kept sideways-looking at me and was probably both confused about what i was after and intrigued by my ferocity.  i went over every inch, back and forth, red faced and serious, until i had found it all-- the toy shop, the baby playhouse, the baby play park, the wedding chapel, 18 critters and tons of accessories. phew.  I KNOW.


it was surreal, actually. i have a recurring dream about doing this very thing.  it's a dream i've always had, at least since i was teenager (or, ha, maybe since i was eight).  i am somewhere in my dream with a bunch of junk and i find things i like and start finding more and more, worried about dropping it all because my hands are so full but still finding more. i live out this dream a lot, but something about the day and the surprisingly excessive amount of stuff that turned up hiding in that bin were spot on to the tone of the dream.  and isn't it funny that what i wanted on my 28th birthday-- what was like my dream come true-- was finding stuff that was not for me but rather for my kids?  funny but fine.  i really didn't mind at all.  i was so excited to find it for them.  i AM a grown-up now.  i think.

anyway, my goal for this year is to keep BSing stuff because i truly believe that that is how even very good things start.  i want to start more things and progress on more things; i want to learn how to use my new camera and learn how to write more complete thoughts.  i want to care less about "how it will come off" or what will be revealed about me (imperfection) and just DO THE STUFF in my head. 

hello 28.  we are going to get things done.