I know I should have updated on school but I didn't want to because it wasn't that great of an update. Clark was crying a lot when I dropped him off. Banging on the window, screaming his head off, the whole bit. That never ever happened last year. It caught me off guard. I think it is getting better though. I hope it is getting better.
I know I don't write as much as I used to. Or as much as I could. I appreciate that a lot of you stick around anyway. It's dumb. I'm happier when I'm writing here.
You know that feeling when you are driving over a bridge and you take ahold of your entire self and freeze it into place with the one goal of not driving off the side? Don't you always get to the top and start thinking, damn, I should really google the statistics on how many people accidentally drive off the side. It is probably a lot. This has to be a thing that happens. I mean, how do all of these people exercise self control appropriately and continue driving in a straight line?
I feel like that about being a mom too. Like, being a mom is like driving. Stick with me. I feel like I am driving, all the time. At night when the kids are in bed I am still aware, always on edge. I don't want to drive off the side. Always double checking and double checking. I sleep, but only kinda. I wake up if someone cries seemingly BEFORE THEY EVEN CRY, that is how fast I respond. When they are awake it never stops. It is "do not drive off the edge, do not drive off the edge, do not drive off the edge, just keep going in a straight line" all day and every day. I don't take a break or a nap or a shower or lunch. I don't because I can't.
And then I think, wait, HOW are other people doing this? How? How do they take care of their kids and make three meals and snacks and get the food and keep the bathroom from reeking of poorly aimed urine and change all those diapers and do laundry and keep it from being wrinkled and put it away and vacuum and hands-and-knees clean the ten feet surrounding the high chair that are covered in food bits? How do they all just keep going, straight ahead, and then... write? They write too? They write on their blog, like, a lot? And tweet? And chit-chat blah blah networknetwork here are my photos and googles and tumbles! How on Earth. I just don't even. I don't know.
Maybe it is that my kids are so close in age. Three kids in 3.5 years is, uh, challenging. Maybe I have too high of standards. Maybe my house is too small and our budget is kinda tight. Or maybe it is just like this for everyone, no matter. Is it? Is it like this for you?