11.18.2011

space

Our house is shrinking.  Our kids eat and eat and eat and then wake up bigger, in a slightly smaller house.  With five people in a 1,600 square foot ranch, there isn't much left over anymore.

We just bought bunk beds for the boys and replaced Alice's full bed with a (smaller, space saving) twin.  A girly iron flowery twin.

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On more than one occasion I have considered dismantling this room, putting Clark and Alice together and making this the baby room. It probably would have saved a lot of trouble over the last year. But I just can't take this space apart.

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We met a tiny newborn baby girl named Alice today at Target.  She was all snuggled up in her car seat while her mom paid in front of us. She even looked like my Alice did at that age, with black hair and a little pixie face. I picked my Alice up so she could see the baby better and though she didn't say anything, I can read her shy faces and could tell she felt special and connected, having the same name as the fresh pink bundle everyone was cooing over. I felt a few stabbing pangs of dissonance, of wanting my baby Alice back while also not wanting to give up my three year old Alice to the past or the future.

After we paid, my Alice cried because she didn't get to tell baby Alice goodbye, so I carried her all the way to the car and she hugged me so cuddly tight while I pushed the cart and she told me that my hugs are, "SO GOOD at helping to feel her better."

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I made this room for her before I even saw her pixie face.

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And yes, I keep adding to it and changing it. But the basic feeling is the same for me. And I just can't take it apart.

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I know someday she'll have the walls covered in posters of Justin Timberlake, Jr or whatever.
But it's okay.  Because the older she gets the better I get to know her.

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I am so glad I get to know her.

19 comments:

  1. I am so glad we get to share a little bit of your relationship. It's truly lovely & I'm always so happy when I get to read posts like this.

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  2. Oh, this made me all squishy inside. So sweet.

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  3. I love this post best out of the ones I've read so far. I have this feeling so often. Don't feel bad about the room. I did a completely impractical thing and gave my baby girl just a tiny nook because our little boy we were trying to adopt originally had the bedroom. I couldn't bring myself to take the room apart for the longest time after the adoption didn't work out.

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  4. Erin, this made my eyes fill up with tears. So beautiful. She is the prettiest little pixie faced girl in the world. :)

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  5. This is so perfect. And makes me feel very wistful.

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  6. so so so sweet. i am smiling so hard. xo

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  7. Tugged at my heart...thanks for that! They are so precious - those little ones!! Have a great weekend :-)

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  8. i really liked the justin timberlake, jr. part too. i second amanda's comment.

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  9. A room of one's own. It makes a big difference, for some reason. Your little girl is very lucky.

    (and I hate to do this, but what are the little cute dolls on the shelf above your daughter's bed?)

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  10. I am not a mom, and don't plan to be one any time soon (I'm trying to find space in my head to allow myself to say that, because I'd really like to say I don't plan on being a mom ever..) but your blog is super inspiring, and I really, truly appreciate your honesty. Not every day is sunshine and lollipops and I thank you for acknowledging that. Posts like this about your daughter though are especially sweet, and I think you're balancing the hard stuff with the sweet stuff beautifully.

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  11. I love Alice's room :) She sure is a sweetie!

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  12. preparing for my own daughter's arrival and reading this makes me happy and sad all at the same time. Excited and anxious, and longing for a time that hasn't arrived yet and hasn't passed me by.

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  13. We just got a bunkbed for our girls and it's been one of our best furniture buys. It has storage drawers (no need for a dresser now!) and an art desk too. Yay.

    P.S. I love all of the vintage books you collect.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  14. Oh, dissonance and I are oh-so-closely acquainted. And we, too, live with 5 people and a 95lb dog in a 1200 ft2 house. I feel you, sister.

    much love to you, friend.

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  15. Both her and her room are precious. I just love the things you choose to surround your sweet family with. :)

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