6.14.2012

that

I've been writing a story in my mind while I run.  It's about a little girl and I don't know if it is long or short or if it will ever turn into black letters on paper (or screen) but I know the themes and I know what the little girl looks like. I know how she feels and I know how she reacts.

I used to come here every night and type stuff I didn't even know I was thinking. My fingers just typed it all, on and on, until they got tired. Then I would hit publish without even re-reading. That system worked for me, for a long time.  I miss that system but I also miss that place, that place that isn't this place. It changed here, just like it changes everywhere.

I miss the way my house looked when we moved in. I miss that time, before it all felt too small. I miss the heart-melty conversation I had with Clark yesterday.  I miss sitting in the hallway outside of my college poetry class, waiting for it to start. I miss being 28.  I turned 29 last week.  I miss everything that has ever changed, even though I love change and push for it constantly. I think I am burdened in this way. I'm just too much feeling, too much analyzing. Too much.

The girl in my story (that I will probably never write) has to confront her fears and assumptions about time. I am not the girl in my story, but I have to confront mine, too.

How can 26 month old Alice be gone? I love almost-four year old Alice just as much. I wouldn't trade this for that. But I still miss that.



17 comments:

  1. I remember your posts from that time, about Alice's most adorable voice. Truly, so precious. And she's still so adorable. It's hard not to ache for the specific time-sensitive sweetness in that video, though.

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  2. That is so adorable. Love! Is she really drinking coffee?

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    1. She really is. She still loves the taste of coffee!

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  3. You should take at least 5 minutes a day and just free write that story in your head. In a year, you may surprise yourself and have a complete book :)

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  4. I love your stuff. Any and all kinds. It makes my mind wander.
    That's all, just love it.

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  5. I am always thinking about confronting time. It is the scariest most exciting part of life. Time.

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  6. Everytime we go to a diner Gray turns his coffee mug over for coffee. I let him have it. I miss a lot of stuff, too, and I've found that doesn't ever really go away but I think the new moments help. They must.

    Steph

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  7. i'm always missing stuff because i'm thinking about missing it. weird, right?
    girl, let your change run loose in this place.
    we'll collect it.

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  8. I really miss the old me, and I dream of the next me. The me that's not tied down with newborns or 2 year olds that won't comply.

    But when I'm that next girl, I'll probably miss the babies, and that they grew up on me too fast.

    I have contentment issues. At least I know this, right?

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  9. "I miss everything that has ever changed, even though I love change and push for it constantly."

    This. Always this.

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  10. I'm not so graceful with change, even (especially?) the change I want. I also wish that I could look as cute as Baby Alice when I'm having a coffee tantrum...

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  11. I love this. Miss my sweet little toddler and kind of forget what it was like, but then again I don't. I miss my old life but can't wait to see where this new one leads. I miss the old me but the new one is probably a better version. Change is hard and exciting and I love it...but also miss the safety of the familiar.

    BTW, I need to start writing in my head again while I run. I used to do it when I hiked. It was amazing, I had such grand ideas out there alone in the woods. I wonder if that drifting mind trick will work on the treadmill. My current distraction is thinking of the fancy bridesmaid dress I have to wear a year from yesterday that I don't want to look smushy in LOL.

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  12. I understand this - the longing for the past, but the simultaneous gratitude for the present (and the expectant hope for the future).

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  13. We are constantly asking each other (my husband and me) - "Where did the big girl come from?!?!" about our baby girl. I love to think about what all my kids will be someday but I also hate that my memory of them small fades with time. It's just not fair.

    xo

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  14. Ugh. I see SO much of myself in this post. We are tender hearts. It feels like living in a constant state of nostalgia, even as moments are happening. It's hard to live in more than one place at once. Found your blog through my friend Nicole (pussycatvintage). Glad I did :)

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  15. Yes, yes, yes. And yet with the passage of time new great things happen, right? I miss my single days sometimes, but my life is actually more interesting in the mundane of raising this little family. And amidst the stress of tantrums and nasty dipes, there are most precious moments I will hold onto in the event there aren't more. Ah....

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